


Ten years without you

by Sxmael



Category: Sekai-ichi Hatsukoi
Genre: Angst, Demiromantic!takano, M/M, Mention of eating disorder, Mention of sex, Mention of vomit (no emetohilia), Multi, Other, cigarettes addiction, mention of depression, mention of hypersexualism, not canon, pansexual!takano, self arm, tobacco
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-18
Updated: 2015-06-18
Packaged: 2018-04-05 00:24:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4158573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sxmael/pseuds/Sxmael
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>2018 edit: for the love of god don't read this piece of shit fic I did for a piece of shit fandom in a shitty english.<br/>How Takano felt during the ten years he was without Ritsu.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ten years without you

**Author's Note:**

> This is not canon, I took the liberty to add my own headcanons.  
> English isn't my first language and I don't have a beta to please forgive any mistakes (you can write them in the comments and I'll correct them).  
> If anything from the tag are major triggers to you, please refrain from reading, nothing is clear or graphic, I only have mentions and suggestions of it.  
> This is the first fanfic I post, I'm a beginner.  
> Enjoy~

Saga is completely broken inside from the breakup but also from his life and every shit and family issues he have to endure. Exhausted, broken, not even sad, not even desperate, not even mad anymore, just empty. He stares blankly at the broken plates and the ripped books on the floor, not caring when he steps on broken glass, feeling like the pain is the only think connecting him to the world. His parents erupts into his room, screaming at him because of the mess he has made, the 0 he keeps on getting for exams he didn't bother to complete. Saga doesn't reply and listen distantly as their shouting turns into another argument against each other.  
It takes weeks, but he slips back into normal life rhythm again, slowly starting to act as normal as he can again. Actin is the word, because he's still as pained, he is just better as hiding it.  
He graduate without friends, girls looking at him from afar, to scared to go and ask for his shirt buttons, because the look is his eyes is not the one of somebody who's ok. He almost sees Oda in the cherry blossom that day. Almost. Because Oda is gone.  
He gets into university, and then he is hits again. His parents are divorcing, it shouldn't matter, they had been at each other's throats for years, but it does, because inside he had still the slight hope his family could get back together, the slight hope it could be happy, the slight hope he could call his parents mom and dad and eat a home cooked meal with them.  
And it hits again, his father is not his father, his mother doesn't want him. The illusion he had that they where happy when he was a child is shattered. It hurts, he's broken again, all the pieces are broken into smaller pieces. And he think it's over, it can't get worse, but oh how wrong is he, because it can.  
He is closed on himself, doesn't let other approach him, and it's for the best, he doesn't know to love somebody anymore, he never knew to begin with. They'll be disgusted at how dull he is, they wouldn't understand the emptiness is fake, he's not empty, just broken.  
At first, he ignores Yokozawa as the poor guy tries to approach him. Yokozawa doesn't know him, nobody knows him. Why would he let anybody close, when all it does is hurting him and them? And finely, he's tired of how pathetic the guy is, he talks to him. They get closer, and for the first time in forever, Takano né Saga has a feeling that isn't painful. It's small, tingly, hot and scary. He recognizes it, it's the same as with Oda. But he ignores it. It had hurt so much the first time, but at least pain was a strong feeling, he want to feel it again, he's desperate to feel again. It doesn't have to be a nice feeling, in facts he wants it painful. He knows pain, it's strong, red, hot and cold at the same time, but it's constant, it never betrays you, it's the kind of feeling you get used to. And the tingly scary feeling grows. He hopes it will end soon, he hopes he will feel the pain again soon, he can't stand it, the feeling is sweet, bitter sometimes, but it's kind of soft and warm. It's the kind of feeling you get addicted to once you know it. And that's what's so scary about it.  
And then it comes again, the pain. Not from the warm feeling, from a different source, words from somebody he apparently use to know. It shatter the weak softness that has started to bloom into his heart, it breaks everything again. He feels like he's going to die. Again, plates are thrown across the room. Again, booked are ripped apart. Again, the tiny pieces inside his indifference armor are broken smaller. This time, he's sure it's over, he's done. There is now way he can be fixed now, no matter how long they take, there is no way anybody can pick the pieces up. He wants it to end, he needs it to end. But the pain won't stop.

"Oda Ritsu? I think remember somebody like him, he was in my class. He left in the middle of the year for England, we haven't kept contact, but he was nice, quiet, always in his books, but nice."  
And if this wasn't his Oda, Takano would need to see a doctor because it could only mean he had very bad memory problem.  
"He was always fighting with his mother."  
Oh, this was interesting  
"She had arranged a wedding, he had a fiancé, but he didn't wanted it."

And that's where Takano lost it again.  
The pain is driving him mad. He drowns it into alcohol, night after nights, to the point where he is never really sober. But alcohol isn't enough. He drowns the pain into sex, taking girls after girls, boys after boys, body after body, until he feels sick. But he doesn't stop. Each time he fucks, he trow up, the smell, the sticky sweat, the fluids, the moans, the tears, everything is making him want to vomit.  
Yokozawa is still there, Takano doesn't know why, he should have left long ago, he saw it didn't he? His ugliness, his emptiness, his sickness, they way Takano is broken, the way he's so twisted, the way he drowns pain into pain over and over again. But Yokozawa never leaves, he cleans up, trow away uneaten conbini meals and by others, he drags Takano to class when he is sober enough to pretend he didn't drink. Takano wish Yokozawa could leave. The soft feeling is always there when Takano sees Yokozawa cleaning up his mess. The soft sickening feeling is always there somewhere, and he's hanging on to it, he should push Yokozawa away, he should block the feeling, but he can't, he waited to long hoping it would hurt, but it never did, and now, the sweet bitterness has him addicted to it. Maybe he doesn't block it away because he still hope it will hurt. Maybe he doesn't block it away because it's the only thing that keeps him from giving up.  
And then, there is another stab. This one isn't violent, it's subtle and sweet. Somehow, it's worse this way, the pain isn't obvious, it crawls though him, gets into his blood, into his brain, as a slow poison.  
He's in bed, the girl left a few hours ago, he's hungry, dead hungry, his stomach is empty, he just threw up bile, it's still bitter in his mouth. Yokozawa is here, he's cleaning up. Again. But this time, he doesn't leave. He sit on Takano's bed. The soft feeling is sickening, again. It's not healthy but he want to throw up again. At this point, everything he does is not healthy. Yokozawa have a sad look in his eyes. Oh, this guy can feel pain to. Takano thinks it's probably his fault, he didn't meant to hurt Yokozawa, he isn't a bad person, Takano thinks he should have remorse, try to comfort Yokozawa, but he can't feel anything else than pain and sickness.  
And then Yokozawa is on top of him, and Takano is under him, he doesn't try to resist, what's the point? The sadness in Yokozawa's eye is to vivid to be ignored, even by Takano, but he can do nothing about it. And Yokozawa push up against him, close, he kiss him, touch him, again and again, it's sickening, more than usual, she softness hurts this time, and Takano can only think it's the pain he has been waiting for all this time, and it's a lot sweeter that he thought it would be. He doesn't resist, he let Yokozawa cry on him, bite him, hurt him again and again, he doesn't deny the pleasure, the guy is good, but it hurts, and the pain is also good. He must look like a mess, panting, crying, begging, hurting, but there is nothing else he can do but hangs on Yokozawa's body as a single name repeats over and over again in his head. And then his body is drenched again, Yokozawa is shaking, he whispers in his ear his name and words that Takano doesn't want to hear, but knows to damn well to ignore.  
The neighbors have probably heard them, they didn't held they voice back at all. Takano's throat is sore, his hips are sore, his ass is sore, his legs are sore, he's tired and so hungry his stomach hurts more than the rest of his body.  
Yokozawa is here, laying beside him, his eyes are closed but Takano knows he's awake. Slowly, ignoring the pain, Takano stretch to pick his phone in his jeans pocket on the floor. He needs to end this. He needs to end the pain before it consumes him. It's better to not feel at all. One after the others, he deletes all his contacts, all the girls he can't put a face with their names, all the boys he didn't remember ever meeting but he probably did, and then, there's Yokozawa, he hesitate, the guy is going to leave him now, what's the point in keeping his contact?  
Yokozawa gets up, Takano doesn't look at him dress up and pass the door, he doesn't delete the contact either.  
Takano doesn't even know how he did it, but he gets his diploma. Again, he graduates alone. Yokozawa is talking with some girl, he looks at the sakura blossom. Oda could be there, Oda should've been there, he's almost there, almost smiling and looking at Saga. He would say something like "you did it sempai." Takano should feel sad, but he doesn't, he fells numb and empty, more than ever, he quits the ceremony early, he doesn't attend to the party and go home alone. He had promised Yokozawa he would stop sleeping around before he gets aids. He never promised not to get drunk though, so he does. He drinks can after can of bitter alcohol, cheep booze from the convenience store, he drinks until he can't remember how to open a can, so he break his nails on the cheep metal until he can mange a not so decent hole in it, just enough to drink. His lips get stuck on the sharp metal, it bleeds and tastes like lead, it's painful, it compensate for the lack of sex, it's a nice replacement, new. From his drunken haze he think maybe physical pain isn't so bad, it's a feeling he knows, a feeling that never betrays, a feeling strong enough to make him believe he still belongs to this world. It's nice while it lasts, but it disappear so quickly, and leaves more empty that before. He's to drunk to think more of it and manage to open another can of beer before drinking it down in one go. Yokozawa isn't here tonight, he probably won't come until the next day — well, later, because it's already the next day — and that's assuming he's coming back, he could just have left, Takano is a handful and the worst "friend" one could have. Takano is alone with himself, it's probably a really bad idea to be alone at this point, but he doesn't care, he's better alone anyways. Alone is always better.  
He's not sure if he fell asleep or if he passed out from the alcohol, but Takano wakes up to the taste of his blood and a headache. He doesn't remember anything from the day before. He wobble his way to the bathroom, he had drank quite a lot judging from the amount of cans on the floor, his couch is humid and reeks of alcohol, he probably spilled a lot on it, nobody is going to clean up for him this time, Yokozawa is gone, probably not coming back.  
He pics up the cans, some are broken, he doesn't try to avoid them, he kind of hope to step on one, maybe pain will shake him out of his trance-like state. Of course, he doesn't. Then, he passes by his mirror. He is like a ghost, skin pale, eyes bloodshot with bags, hair to long and messy, dirty clothes, skinny limbs, he had always been tall and strong, but now he looks almost fragile, weak. It's disgusting, he hates this body, it's all wrong, it's not him, it's ugly, but it's not broken, not like he is, why is skin so pale and flawless when his entire being is ripped apart? He hates it, he never noticed before, but he hates it. He trow up, again, alcohol and bile burn his already hurting throat so much he spit a bit of blood. He trails his nails across him thighs and arms, leaving white traits that disappears within seconds, he scratches, it last longer and leave small red lines, he presses harder, again and again, until he feels blood. The pain is back, again.  
Yokozawa finds him laying down in his bathroom. The mirror is broken on the floor, Takano's hand is bleeding. He's conscious, in medical therms at least, because he doesn't seem to feel the pain, he doesn't answer Yokozawa and doesn't seem to understand his own name. The phone rings, Yokozawa picks up, a few word are said, he turns back. Takano is fired apparently, he doesn't care, he can't remember what his job was, he can't remember his own name. In his head there's only pain, endless suffering, and a name. Oda Ritsu. He whisper it, he can't remember who's name it is, but it hurts to say it, so he say it again and again, until he's almost screaming it.  
Yokozawa leaves, and that's it. He's lost again, his head is screaming, voices, red, blood, love, feelings he forgot he could have, an this Oda Ritsu in the center of it. He can hear his mother screaming, his "father" denying him, he can feel again the sharps of glass and porcelain under his feet, he remember the hit in his jaw, the confusion, why? What has he done to deserve all this? And for the first time in forever, the pain is to much. He can feel tears on his cheeks, can feel the twist in his stomach, his thighs and arm are burning, everything is red. He had wanted this kind of pain for so long now, he can feel it to the core, it hurts, he wants it to stop, but it's good to feel again, he fight to catch his breath as he trow up again, it burns his throat, more tears falls down his cheeks, he picks a broken pice of metal and scratch it across his skin, pearls of blood roll down, he does it again, it fucking hurts, his head is creaming, his breath is raging, his guts are twisting, his lungs are burning, blood is running.

The next thing Takano remembrance is the cool floor and the smell of blood. He unstick his sweaty body from the tiles, he looks at his miserable bloody hand and at his thighs, it hurts and his muscles protest when he gets up, but he doesn't care. Picks one by one the mirrors shard on the floor, he feel like he's picking himself up. It hurts. He trow away the bloody cans, he whipe the floor and good, how long has it been since the last time he cleaned up? He trow away weird looking food, trow away loads of empty cigarettes pack, trow away bloody band-aids and bandages (he took care of himself a minimum after fights, sometimes) trow away toons of papers and post-its with names and numbers he know he's never going to call. He does the dishes, break a plate, clean it up. Then, he step into his shower for the first time in forever and let the ice-cold water (when was the last time he paid his water bill?) run on him, calming the burning pain. He scrub with a half finished soap until it hurts, he wash his hair until he finishes the shampoo. He look at the water turning red and running down the drain. When after what felt like forever he get out, he cuts his hair and his nails, shave his beard, get into half-decent clothes and do laundry. He's exhausted, still empty and dull, he still feel dirty and it still hurts, everything still hurts, but maybe it's a little better now. Just a tiny little bit better than before. He gets into a bed with fresh sheets that don't smell like dirty sex for the first time in forever and sleeps like a bear for the next 15 hours.  
It takes him weeks, but he get another part time job, he ignores the insistent calls from strangers, (well ex-fuckbuddys, but where's the difference?) and take care of his physical injuries, he's clumsy, he's never really done it before. His head spins and he craves alcohol, but he doesn't allow himself to drink, he spends sleepless nights fitting the need, but eventually it gets better, the only thing he still allows himself are cigarettes. Yokozawa hasn't call nor come since that night, and Takano hasn't try to contact him either. He doesn't want to talk about it, it's still to fresh in his memory, it still hurts to much, he's temped a thousand times to hurt himself again but he resists, the cuts fades and turn into red scars who eventually turn white, it's had to notice on his already pale skin. He avoid mirrors, it makes him feel like shit every time he sees one. He never know how he looks, but he guess it's at least half decent since nobody seems to notice, he feels dysphoric every time he changes and look at himself, he want to burn his body, but he ignores the feeling. Frequently, he still feel a sharp stab of pain and when it's to painfull, he forgets important things such as his name or where he is, but again he ignores it, with the time, it gets rarer and rarer.

It's been 4 month since he's seen Yokozawa, he should get the message and forget the guy, but here he is, 17 weeks after he had called for Oda when Yokozawa was here for him, in front of Yokozawa's apartment. The guy could have moved for all he knows, but Takano is still here, standing in front of his door. He didn't brought anything, he rings the doorbell . When the door opens, Yokozawa freezes with surprise and slam the door at Takano's face, an expected reaction, Takano have no rights to do what's he's doing, he have no rights to hurt Yokozawa like this, Yokozawa have done everything for him, Takano has never done anything in return, he knows Yokozawa's feelings, he shouldn't come back, really, but he does again. It takes a week of persistence for Yokozawa to address a single word to Takano. "Why?" And Takano doesn't know why, he doesn't know anything, he can barely remember his name, who is Yokozawa? Why is he there in the first place? He can only think "Ritsu" he knows it's not what he should be thinking about, it's not right, it has been so long since he thought about his actions, he forgot why he wants to see Yokozawa. He's not sure if he even new why to begin with. Yokozawa invites him in, he remember the place, slowly everything comes back, Yokozawa must be creeped out by his behavior, and it's totally understandable, they sit in silence, it's Yokozawa who is the first to break the awkwardness, he asks again 'why' And Takano still doesn't know what to answer, and he feels like shit right now, so he doesn't say anything for another long moment. Again, Yokozawa speaks, and Takano know he's no one to judge but damn those one word sentences are getting on his nerves. "Leave". But Takano doesn't move. And suddenly, Yokozawa gets up, he's screaming, Takano isn't listening, he's lost, he have never seen Yokozawa this angry before, he's not sure if he have ever seen him angry. Yokozawa is the first to hit, and that shakes Takano back to reality, the pain in his cheek, the slow, radiant burning he feels his teeth digging into his flesh, he tastes the blood, it's real, the pain, again, after all this time, it feels good. It's the strongest feeling he had experienced since the last time he saw Yokozawa. And slowly, the soft, warm feeling start to take over him. He let Yokozawa hit him a second time before he catch his wrist, the anger disappear, Yokozawa's head drop, he does the same face as that time Takano let him fuck him. The sadness, the despair, and again, just like that time, Takano doesn't know what to do, so he just drops Yokozawa's wrist. If Yokozawa had been anybody else, he would tried to kiss them to make the anger and sadness disappear in lust, but it's Yokozawa, he knows it's not the right thing to do. Yokozawa takes his head in his hand, and he he just whisper 'why' again, his shoulders are shaking, he's probably crying, Takano doesn't say anything, but this time, it's not that he doesn't have the words, he feels like his thong is glued to his teeth. Yokozawa lift his head, he looks like a mess, his cheeks are flushed, his eyes are red, his lips to, and Takano decides that since it's all he can do, he might as well kiss him. It's more of a weird lip and tongue touching, but it's all he can do. Yokozawa doesn't do anything, but when Takano pull back, there are tears rolling on his cheeks. Again, Yokozawa say those words Takano hate to hear, a confession, only Ritsu is allow to tell him, he only wants to hear it from him. He gather all his will, and endure it. He doesn't frown when inside he feels like his guts are being played with, not in a nice way. He feels nauseous again. He apologize. It's the only words he can think of, Yokozawa rest his forehead on his shoulder for long minutes before he manage to reform something not so close but not that far either from his usual face and turn around. Takano get the message and leaves. They meet again, slowly, they start talking again, slowly, Takano accept the warm feeling, from times to time, he still forget, sometimes, he scratch or cut, daily, he feels like utter shit when he looks at himself in a mirror and about once a week, he skips meals for a day or tool or trow up, but he start to get better. Oh, he's nowhere near 'good', but he's so much better than before.  
The first time Yokozawa offer to go out and drink, Takano understands the guy had accepted his apology and forgave him, or at least partly forgave him. Life takes a rhythm, Yokozawa gets a job at Marukawa in the general affair department, two years later he makes Takano join, he gets the most crappy job and is given a nearly dead shoujo magazine while Yokozawa is muted to the sales department, but for the first time in his life, he have a decent life, he's isn't trying to hurt himself, he have a goal now. It's terrifying, everything is new, he doesn't know how to react and what to do, but he makes friend and drinking buddies. Slowly, he let feelings reach him, it's soft again, sometimes it's painful and uncomfortable, but he bear with it, he starts to be human. After a year of hard working (ok, extreme conditions, no sleep, miracles and at least five demissions from exhausted subordinates) Takano have miraculously saved the magazine.  
It takes Takano more than six years, but in the end, he is able to feel again, it's weird, it's wrong, he's not used to it, more than one time he tries to block the feelings away and drown into pain again, but in the end, he is able to genuinely smile for probably the first time in his life. Years passes by, demissions to, mangakas leaves and come, from talented artists to shitty weaboo who got to many compliments from friends for doodles in class, he see everything and get use to it. He still get drunk from time to time, only when he's really desperate. He tries sex again, not love, that, he can't do, his heart is still hurting to much, he's to scared, it's not like he's the type to fall for anybody before a really deep connection with them, and the only person that close to him is Yokozawa and he's not going to fall for him. One night stands, man, woman, others, he doesn't really care, he fucks, he's satisfied, they leave and never talk again. It's not the best, but it's not sickening anymore.  
His life takes a routine, everything falls into place, slowly, piece of himself starts to get together again, he's nowhere near fixed, he's never going to be, but he's at his best now, and that's pretty impressive.

It's been ten years. Takano is at his best, he's good at his job, he got a few friends and people to go out with, a few numbers from people who won't refuse sleeping with him when he's to frustrated for his right hand to be enough, he never talks to his parents, but a few things have been made clear between them.  
It's been ten years since the last time he saw Ritsu when the newbie comes in, he's clumsy, easily offended, fun to tease, but he's hard working and determinate, the kind of guy Takano wants in his department, maybe they could even get along.  
A few weeks past, and then, it hits him again.


End file.
